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I started thinking about this yesterday, and I guess the
epiphany moment for me was that "weight-loss" itself can not, IS not,
my "WHY."

My "why" has to be more tied into what I want out of
life, my longterm dreams, my goals, my aspirations in life. How can I
possibly get excited, how can I possibly dedicate myself to something
that I have not linked to the more important things I want out of life.
Yeah, I want to fit into smaller jeans, but c'mon, when I lay back on
my deathbed and think of the important things in life, am I really
going to reflect back to the day I finally fit into a pair of skinny
jeans? Maybe, but probably not.
I realized that my "WHY" are my
larger life goals, the things I want, my dreams, and that weightloss is
merely one tiny step, one tiny part of that "why." A healthy lifestyle
is merely a tool that will allow me to live longer and pursue the kind
of active lifestyle I want. And I guess what I am saying is that
somewhere along this journey I lost that perspective, and a little bit
of myself, as well. I did ultimately come to view myself as a number on
the scale and that was a measurement of success/failure that I clung
too. And it was for that number that I worked the various programs,
with the goal being to get skinny. And of course, I had other reasons
"to improve my heath" and to feel better, but I completely lost what
that meant or why it was important. Simply losing became the goal and,
honestly, a shallow, unsustainable, and hollow one. No wonder I burnt
out, no wonder I can't find dedication. If someone at the end of my
life asked, "and what did you do with your life?" and my answer was "I
lost a lot of weight," that would be really, really sad. And of course,
not true, because I was a good mother, a good friend, a good wife, a
caring person, but in terms of the goals that I set for myself and
carried out, if losing was my only goal, I would not be satisfied,
because losing weight in and of itself is simply not enough of a "why."

skinny is not going to take me to my goals and dreams, but it is a step
towards them, not something I am simply doing for getting skinny's
sake. At the same time, that being said, there are a lot of other
steps/transformations that I need to be doing at the same time I am
working my towards my weightloss goals. My weightloss is not my
lifelong dream, it is a step towards the kind of life I want, but that
life is not going to be magically waiting there for me once I hit goal.
Larger dissatisfactions are not just going to melt away cause I am
skinny. Shaky relationships are not going to miraculously improve just
cause I got skinny. My self esteem is not going to magically improve
because I am skinny (it may improve some, but so far, it hasn't). It
just isn't.

So, I have decided to go about this weightloss thing
from a slightly different angle, not as a goal in and of itself, but as
a step towards the larger things I want out of life.

My "WHY" is
ultimately to be able to live the kind of life that I want to lead. I
want to lead an active, fit lifestyle so that I don't ever feel my age.
I want to be spared the kind of health problems my mom has. I want to
be happy and proud of myself.

Anyway, I am not sure that this makes sense to anyone outside my head. But I wanted to write it down for myself and share it…


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