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Things that make you wonder…

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Did you ever catch yourself in the middle of doing something and wonder how the hell you ended up there at that point in time? I just had a moment like that…I was walking downstairs to the laundry room in the basement of the apartment building and suddenly it occurred to me that this isn’t’ how my life was planned out… this wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

I’m 30 with three kids– I should be married, in a little house with a fence and a big backyard where the dog can run around and the kids can ride their bikes on the sidewalk in front…but no, I live in a small walk up apartment, with a grouchy cat, my kids are only here 50 percent of the time and I’m not married.

But as I stood there, on the stairs with a large basket of laundry, I realized something– I am the happiest I have been in 12 years. I know what makes my heart sing and I now have the courage to seek it out. I don’t feel the need to hide behind what others visions of a wife/woman are anymore, I know who I am and I know that I live to love, laugh, and be with the ones who help me to do so. I think for myself, but am willing to listen, so long as you will listen in return. I know that I dont’ always have to be perfect, and I don’t always have to be a saint (saints are boring anyway)  I’m not perfect, I never tried to be. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve taken the easy way out. I’ve lied to my friends. I’ve hidden the truth so many times from so many people. I’ve hurt people, and I’ve even done it on purpose. I’ve left people behind. I’ve spread rumors. I’ve said things that I didn’t mean. I’m no better than anyone, anywhere. I’m human. I have faults, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I want to change, but I won’t. Because that’s what we as humans do. That’s what we’ve always done. We list our faults like a grocery list, and we move on, expecting everything to somehow change itself. It never will. I will never change. I will never be perfect. I will always make mistakes. What matters now is that I know this about myself and that I am comfortable with who I am. I wouldn’t have come to this conclusion, this self-acceptance, this peace– if I had continued on the path that I had been on…if the little house with the large backyard, the dog running around were still in the picture, I’d still be the unsure, unfufilled, depressed little girl that I was. Thankfully, I have grown up and moved on.

So, I guess Douglas Adams sums it up best : “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

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