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Perception vs. Reality

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What do you see when you look in the mirror? I see a tired, haggard, 31 year old with nothing going right for her. I see this:

 

That’s me two years ago…that’s me almost 70 pounds ago. That’s the person who doesn’t think anything can change for her, who doesn’t think she’s worth the effort of taking time for herself and doing the things that make her happy and healthy. When I look in to the mirror and see this girl looking out, I get angry. I get so frustrated because I know that’s not the person that should be reflecting back at me.  Other people comment on my progress and tell me how much I’ve changed…how much younger and healthier I look. I wonder when I’ll be able to see it in myself..I wonder when this will be the face that’s staring back at me from the mirror. 

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Mom 1962 – 03/01/2010

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I miss you,  I miss your smile,and I still shed a tear every once in a while.
Even though it’s different now, you’re still here somehow,
my heart won’t let you go, and I need you to know…I miss you.

You never said you’re leaving
You never said goodbye

You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.

A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn’t go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.

It’s been a year, 365 days- 52 weeks- Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes since you left.  A year in which I’ve made so many changes and started growing in ways that I can only hope you’d be proud of. Everything I do, everything I strive for– you’re always in the back of my mind encouraging me, I can hear your voice telling me that I can do anything I set my mind to . I love you, Mom and I miss you every day.

—- Workout—

Cardiovascular Minutes Calories Burned
Elliptical Trainer 30 309
Stair-treadmill ergometer, general 30 275



What hurts the most…

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Is looking at my ex’s engagement pictures and knowing I wasn’t good enough, and it sucks.

 

I’m trying to be better though.

 

Maybe someday I will be.

Suck it up and move on.

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I stepped on the scale this morning and I’m up 4 pounds. So discouraged. I’ve been under my calories all week and have worked my literal ass off. What I don’t understand is the why.Well, I understand the why — Calories out were apparently less then calories in. I guess what I don’t’ understand is the how. I tracked and watched what I ate… I exercised and I burned calories. So boo-hoo poor me. 😦

But instead of focusing on the why and the how of this disappointment, I can choose to focus on what I HAVE accomplished this week.

I’ve been to the gym and according to my Nike+, I’ve done over 38K steps.  That’s A LOT.

I pushed myself during yoga and got deeper into some poses that I ever have before and SURPRISE SURPRISE…. it made a huge difference in how I feel the day after,  in a GREAT way. Sore but sore with a reminder that I CAN push myself further than I thought and be okay after.

I have driven past Dunkin Donuts each time I’ve said I wanted to go and didn’t stop once. I’m so HUGELY proud of this peeps, ya’ll have no idea. I have been craving a Boston Creme for weeks now and I’m continuing to talk myself out of it.

So yeah, the scale went up..but guess what— So did my self confidence, and that’s worth much more.

A little bit of this and that —

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I’ve been pretty busy for the past week or so and haven’t really had a chance to sit down and just get it all out. So here’s a little bit of what I’ve been up to:

Signed up for : Canterbury Village Cross Country 5K in May. I’m excited and completely frackin’ nervous about it. I did a half-marathon two years ago (walking/jogging) that took me about 3 hours when I was much less physically active but that doesn’t stop the self-doubt and nerves from creeping in.

I’ve been working on school work and finishing up this term at SNHU in my journey to getting my bachelors degree in Psychology, and it’s brought me to question my career path. I enjoy the science of psychology but I know I don’t want to sit for hours and listen to people complain about their lives.. I’d much rather sit and work with children in a school but I don’t know how to focus my schooling in on that. Time to see the adviser at the campus, I suppose.

I attended a hearing for Marriage Equality in Concord, and the energy and the sheer amazing-ness (is that a word?) of the support for equality for EVERYONE that I saw there just blows my mind. I can’t wait for the day when everyone is not only allowed but ENCOURAGED to love and marry whom ever they want.

I’m still going to the gym…I took a few days off this last week and really regret it. I ended up feeling blah most of the week. I made up for it yesterday though with 2 gym trips in one day..and I’m hoping to get back in there today after spending time with my niece and finishing up school work.

— Work out for yesterday–

Elliptical 25 Minutes 280 Calories
treadmill 30 Minutes 300 Calories
yoga 90 Minutes 330 Calories

Rockstar!

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I went into the gym feeling pretty crappy. I’ve come down with some sort of bug and going into the gym and exercising didn’t seem at all like anything I wanted to actually do but after talking with Amy at Fat Girls Can Run via Twitter and getting some awesome encouragement, I decided to try for my rockstar status for the day. 5K Your Way Rookie Running Program – Week: 1 Day: 1 — 20 minutes. 1.5 miles. ROCKSTAR status achieved!!

Yay me.


Workout:

Elliptical Trainer 10 minutes 138 Calories
Treadmill – 15 min/mile 20 Minutes 138 Calories

Super excited–

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I’ve always been interested in running. It seems like a good workout.. I enjoyed doing it when I was in elementary school and I have multiple people in my life RAVING about it– so imagine my surprise when my favorite fitness website came up with a new “Running Section” and their own 5k training plan.

I’ve always been afraid to try running and just like FattyBoobaLatty over at Fatty Made a Funny often times find myself THISCLOSE to actually running. But I stop myself just in time. I’m afraid of looking like such an idiot and making the people around me laugh so hard that they fall off their treadmills and die…I’m just looking out for the innocent in this y’all, I promise.  My reluctance to run has nothing at ALL to do with the fact that I’m afraid I won’t be good at it.  PROMISE.

 

I guess my point in this is that I think I am going to challenge myself (and any one else that wants to join me) into actually trying to go thru this program. After all..what do we have to lose besides a few pounds?

—WORKOUT—

Stationary Bicycling: moderate (bike, biking) 10 minutes 107 calories
Elliptical Trainer 30 minutes 413 calories
Treadmill – 10% incline 24 min/mile 10 minutes 92 calories
DAILY TOTALS : 50 minutes 612 calories